The Pathologicals (Part II)

You can be free now, girl

But I can’t kiss you even if you are breathtaking… and even if you do listen to the same music as I do… and even if we are both skinny and tall… and even if your name would sound like a movie star’s if we ever were to get married one day. I can’t kiss you and do the “pull-back-halfway-through-in-fake-confusion” move, sweeping that shit under the rug like nothing happened, and think that I won’t feel an overwhelming sense of betrayal to the promises that I’ve made to myself. I can’t possibly cheat with you knowing that it means that I would probably cheat on you one day and then nothing would mean anything to me anymore. I can’t kiss you even if Valeriae is probably flirting with Thomas or one of his friends right now, and even if she probably brought her girlfriend along to use as truthful padding when she tells me the story of her night later on. I can’t kiss you even if sometimes with her it feels like that book by Nabokov. You’re probably not even over Dave anyways. You just want to make him jealous, don’t you? This intense conversation we’re having right now isn’t really us “connecting”, or us being “star-crossed” on a magical night, it’s just you and I dulling our senses to make it easier to rationalize the sex we’d like to go through with later on. But when I wake up “R-Kelly-Trapped-In-The-Closet-(Part I)” style, after 2 hours of sleep, to the ultraviolet rays of cancerous light from your I-MAC sceen, feeling like shit with the redbull jitters, well, I won’t remember any of this “conversation”. I’ll just walk to your bathroom and wash my hands and look at you sleeping on your bed, looking way too skinny to be healthy, and I’ll let myself out and finally read that text message from Valeriae and it will say that she didn’t go out after all, and that she misses me and to call her when I get in.

(written while the technician was fixing the abs machine at the gym)

I Just Met Stevie Todd

Chloe taking the time to smell the roses

I just met Stevie Todd. And when she walked away, I turned and stared at the sun for 20 minutes. I saw things in that sun. I saw the greatness that I’ve been hinting at for years, fully realized. I saw my heart full of love creating beautiful things, and old ladies sitting on park benches teaching me new ideas. I saw all the things that I’ve always derided as cliches suddenly become heartfelt. This sun was like the third glass of wine at a corner cafe flirting with someone that could have just stepped out of an American Apparel ad circa 2007. I hear the sun is beautiful over a lake, but all I see are high-rises now and that blinding shine coming off the glass. When I was young our family had a TV that had rabbit ears. It was downstairs next to my dad’s encyclopedia collection underneath a map of the solar system. I stared at the sun on that laminated poster for years, daydreaming during commercial breaks. This was the same sun in the sky right now, for real, totally mesmerizing me. Staring at that sun was like standing in front of Stevie Todd for the first time. I stopped cold in the middle of the sidewalk like a New York lunatic and she smiled and said “My name is Stevie Todd.” I said some stupid shit back. No really, some stoopid shit. This guy overheard me and shook his head like ‘That was lame…’ She didn’t care. She told me she was going to a birthday party, but she only knows one person there. I should come. She was still smiling as she took out her little green pad to show me the directions. Our interaction was awesome the way only awkwardness can be. We talked for a while on that sidewalk. I don’t remember what we said, but I remember the feeling. I didn’t care about anything else. Everything I wanted was in front of me. It was weird. Then I kissed her. Right away I knew. I would never be with anyone else.

(written with that Stars song on repeat)

Counting Backwards Is Easier

James & I avoiding the storm

Your boyfriend has to DJ tonight and you will hang out in the background, sipping vodka-Perriers and dancing. When your friends will get there they will put their bags and their coats underneath the DJ booth and run to the bar to cash-in the drink tickets he will give them. You will hear that song you love and you will know that he’s playing it for you, and so you’ll lean over and kiss him on the cheek, but only on the cheek, and be careful not to leave lipstick marks. When Kendra did it, it was different. She’s a go-go dancer and it’s practically part of her performance. He only left it on because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. She’s sensitive. Anyways, he loves the way you dance. You think that this may be why he noticed you 2 years ago. That and your green eyes. “Have you met Julie?” It’s the new girl. He says her name in french, the way you’re supposed to since she’s from Quebec. “We’re using her for the flyer this month.” You don’t hate her. She’s not his type. You’re his type. And she’s just being affectionate because she’s a little drunk. Anyways, it’s just a flyer. If he used you for the flyer it would be a little weird, so you won’t even bring it up. Hey, where did they go? Andy, his DJ partner, says they went to do a bump. You’re not jealous. You’re secure. You love this song. You really love this song and you’re dancing extra hard and you’re squeezing your eyes shut, but you can still see the color of the lights through your eyelids.

(re-written and edited in the part of the performance where Chili Gonzales stands on the piano and plays ‘King of Pain’ with his feet)